This is the title of my compilation of short stories which might, one day, become my novel. These short stories might be considered more as diary entries of the main character, Samantha (Sam for short). You will be introduced to her life, her many struggles, and her joyful successes. Hopefully, by the last entry, you will have enjoyed the journey you've taken with Sam, and maybe even learned a thing or two about yourself.
Here's the first piece. Enjoy!
CHAPTER 1
I left home early to go back to school because I didn't want to be around my family. They were so happy, and I couldn't get myself to tell them that Avery and I had broken up. They would worry, they would feel bad for me, and they would be mad at Avery.
I couldn't have them mad at him. Avery was perfect, and I was the only person allowed to feel anything remotely negative about him.
So, I left and spent the next few days completely alone. Those days were a daze, and I don't really remember anything about them.
The first communication I had with anyone was a letter to my best friend, Claire. The letter went something like this:
"It's almost like I've felt this coming and didn't want to face it. And Claire, I just feel so bad. I know I didn't explain everything very clearly, but if I even start thinking about it, I just start crying. I don't even want to talk to anyone. I'm sorry I'm unloading on you. The weird part is I feel like this is a good thing...to really be on my own for a while. I know it will be good. I just really love Avery...and to have him not want to be with me really hurts. I feel like the happy, lively spark inside me just died. But then I know I'll get over it and just start working on my life...without Avery in it. Oh boy, it is going to be an interesting new year."
That's just an excerpt of what I wrote to her. I tried my best to keep out the fact that I felt like dying, and that on the inside, I was already dead.
Opening up to someone and being honest is a very hard thing to do. It makes you the most vulnerable. But, I trust Claire, so she was the first person I told. Claire has been with me through everything; through all of my problems with Avery, other boys, and just--everything. We've been best friends since kindergarten. That's nineteen years of friendship and counting. I needed her so much right then, and she was there for me. I didn't need someone necessarily to make everything better. I just needed some sort of constant in my life. The constant I loved the most had suddenly become quite inconsistent.
I could have had no idea what breaking up with Avery was going to do to my life.
CHAPTER 2
For a solid two weeks, I didn't know how to hold a conversation anymore. Talking to people was a chore--even talking to my best friends made me nervous. What was I supposed to say? I had nothing to talk about. I couldn't feel anything anymore, so words had no meaning.
Thank god that phase eventually ended.
I tried harder and harder to talk to people again. I was always consciously trying to think of what normal people talked about. I watched people talking, and copied how and what they would talk about, and used their techniques in my own conversations.
If God had blessed me with any skill, it was the skill to imitate and perform. No one could tell just how hurt, lost, and simply gone I was. When you pretend to be something for long enough, you actually start to become what you've been pretending to be.
So once I had become close to a normal person again, I decided to try speed dating. Not because I really wanted to start dating people or anything. But, I wanted to feel wanted...to know that someone in the world could be interested in me again.
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