bu dong

難過

只是我怕眼淚撐不住

不懂 你的黑色幽默

Oh, jay chou...you hold the keys to my heart. Do you suppose it's possible to feel the sadness in his songs? Perhaps...but perhaps not. So, he may not have written them per se, but, I feel like I can hear the emotions through his voice and the notes. If I could sing this song with the passion I hear in his voice, it would tear at my heart and make me cry. Jay chou, jay chou, jay chou, wo ai ni!!

I can't breathe

There's something special about breathing that just gets to me. You can't live without breathing, so something that takes your breath away must be very special. Either special, or completely out-of-your-mind scary. I think it's weird how those two extremely different feelings can produce the same effect: a racing heartbeat and the realization that you have not taken a breath in a while.

On a side note- This morning I had a bad dream...I guess dream is the wrong word, it is definitely a nightmare. Every time I wake up from it my heart is racing and I feel like I can't breathe. I wake up with tears in my eyes...my whole day is tainted by this nightmare. Well, here it is:

I'm with my sister (who looks nothing like my real sister...actually the whole family is not mine, but I'm a part of it somehow) and we go through a whole day together doing errands and things people might do in a normal day. But, at the end of the day, a man comes and kills her. I can't describe how real the fear feels. I try so hard to get to her and stop him from finishing, but despite my fiercest efforts, I can't do anything: I can't move, I can't scream, I can't even breathe. Then I'm shot back in time and have the chance to try to save her knowing what is going to happen at the end of the day. This time there is a twist. This man has my number and somehow I begin talking to him. I have the idea in my head that if I can distract him for the whole day, he won't be able to get to her, and I don't think that he knows that I'm her sister. I felt a little unnerved that his name under my phone was "mr. potato head"...I don't know if there is any significance in that name. But, it seems wrong that a horrible excuse of a human like himself could have the same name as cute and silly mr. potato head from toy story. Anyways, in the morning I go on a jog to try to clear my head. (Running has become somewhat therapeutic, especially since I can look at all the beauty Santa Barbara has to offer.) The day is sunny and beautiful and I'm running right along the beach. I see a man running a little bit ahead of me and when he turns around to look at me, clouds rush in from the mountains and cover the sun. The warm day is quickly stolen and all I feel is cold and scared...and, the man is gone. I sprint back home with the feeling that maybe the worst has happened to my sister, even though it's not nighttime. When I get home, I thank God that I'm wrong. She's perfect....she's laughing about some joke with my family. There is no better sight that could make my heart feel as at peace and wonderful as it did right then. But, as I mentioned earlier...this is a nightmare. Nighttime is approaching and I can't keep my fears to myself anymore. I tell my whole family, and they don't take it as a joke...we all snuggle into one room together. There are some friends in the room as well. Unlike my family, whom I've never seen before, my friends are friends from San Marino and I recognize them. Now, nighttime is here. I feel safe with all my family and friends in the same room. No one can hurt us while we're together. We are all lounging around when my phone receives a text message from mr. potato head. My heart is starting to feel at ease...he must be distracted! I send him a text message back. Suddenly, my heart feels like it's trying to pound it's way out of my chest...my whole body is tense and shaking with the most fear I've ever felt in my life...I can barely find the courage to turn my head to the sound of someone receiving a text message in the room right after I sent it. It can't be...it just can't be happening. He's lying on the bed. Our eyes meet... he and I know immediately. I didn't know that he wasn't part of my family, because I didn't recognize any of them...I just thought they were all a part. He gets up and crosses the room towards me...and I know the true feeling of being paralyzed by fear. I start to say "no...no...stop...please don't....stop! stop!!" But of course, he doesn't. He comes to me, and takes what looks like an exacto knife and starts cutting my thumb. He makes tiny incisions on my thumb and with each small cut all my hopes of saving my sister start to fade away. One of the friends from SM whom I confided my earlier experience with is watching and smiling. I've been betrayed by this person and all humanity seems to have lost its goodness. For some reason, the incisions on my thumb take away all my strength, and the man kills my sister in front of me...for the second time. All the feelings of seeing it done the first time hit me like a wave, but this time they are magnified and hurt me even more. From the second story, I roll myself out of the window and turn around. I look back up at the window and the man and my former friend are staring at me. I start to cry...I tried so hard and I could do nothing. Where did the rest of my family go? Why did no one else try to help me? Despair and tears take over and all I can do is run and keep running. Then, I wake up.

This is the second time I've had this dream. The first time I had this dream I felt absolutely horrible when I woke up. This morning when I had it my feelings were magnified and hurt me even more...Coincidence? I don't know, but I hope I don't have to go through it a third time. Or I guess it's a sixth time since I have to witness it twice per dream. Just writing about it right now made my heart start racing. But, I guess it is just a dream after all...

Anyways, I just sat back and took a nice, long breath of air.